So that is it. Megadeath said it all, except for one more thing. Nobody is to be blamed by the deeds of others, we take our own decisions. All I decide to do is to be accounted under my responsibility.
Enjoy the video and make sure to read the lyrics. See ya!
Don't remember where I was
I realized life was a game
The more seriously I took things
The harder the rules became
I had no idea what it'd cost
My life passed before my eyes
I found out how little I accomplished
All my plans denied
So as you read this know my friends
I'd love to stay with you all
please smile when you think of me
My body's gone that's all
A tout le monde
A tout mes amis
Je vous aime
Je dois partir
These are the last words
I'll ever speak
And they'll set me free
If my heart was still alive
I know it would surely break
And my memories left with you
There's nothing more to say
Moving on is a simple thing
What it leaves behind is hard
You know the sleeping feel no more pain
And the living all are scarred
A tout le monde
A tout mes amis
Je vous aime
Je dois partir
These are the last words
I'll ever speak
And they'll set me free
So as you read this know my friends
I'd love to stay with you all
Please smile, smile when you think about me
My body's gone that's all
A tout le monde
A tout mes amis
Je vous aime
Je dois partir
These are the last words
I'll ever speak
And they'll set me free
(×2)
2008-03-15
Rollercoaster of Emotional Distress
Have you ever felt so confuse, so lost that you don't even know exactly what are you feeling? That you want to shout, cry, punch and hurt yourself all at the same time, just to see if the distress go away?
I really hope you didn't. But if you didn't, then there is no hope that you will ever understand how I am feeling these last days. It is not the first time I feel like that. I have been there before. Fortunately, not so many times, though. But usually there is a reason for feeling like that, and this time I was caught by surprise, just out of the blue. I woke up yesterday feeling like dieing. Without a clue of why. Just sad, unmotivated, tired, frustrated and most of all, very angry with myself. That was a horrible start for a day. And it scaled up.
I think that everybody have their own internal demons, their own ghosts. You know, that kind of bad memory that you do your best to forget, to not think about. That kind of thing that hurts so much that make you question why the hell do you keep going on? That would make you accept to cripple a limb with a chainsaw if that would make the painful memory go away forever? Or maybe it's just me. But the fact is that I have my demon. I really thought that it was gone forever, or better saying I didn't thought of it at all for a while and then Ididn ' t expect it to come back. But it did. It came back strong and hitting me at all the sides. Maybe it is some kind of mechanism in the sadness that wants to ensure that you will do feel really bad. And as it was, I woke up pretty bad for no known reason and after a few hours like that my demon started to hit me. Softly in the beginning, but stronger and stronger until it became unbearable. I tried the standard procedure for depression: headed for the gym, worked out for an hour, back home, shower, head to the lab, working on my research. Didn't work. I was not even being able to concentrate on my research. Every 15 minutes I had to stop and try to put myself together. Then I used the last non-chemical resource, the letter. A few years ago I had a similar problem and decide to write a letter for my demon. Saying all I wanted to say, or all I could think about saying, as if it was a person. It was a letter never meant to be send. It is a letter to me, actually. By now it is almost like a living thing. When I am fighting my demon I use to read the letter again and add or remove parts to it, so it is almost like a dialog. Sometimes the letter is so harsh, so mean and aggressive that I question if I wrote that of if it was somebody else. Sometimes it is so full of clichés and third class sentimentalism that I feel pity and disgust for the pathetic soul that wrote it. Reading and rewriting the letter helped a bit, but no so much. Helped enough to let me keep working, and surprisingly the day was even productive.
Around 21:00h I just wanted go home, 12h in the lab is enough for one day. But I knew I would not be able to sleep, so I decided to go see a movie instead. I watched ``The Golden Compass''. It was a good movie and for the duration of it I could not think about anything. But I eventually had to go back home. I really didn't want to go back to my 六畳 (rokujou) apartment, but I had no much options on that. It was not the best night of sleep, but after ½ bottle of wine I was ready to bed.
I woke up today not much better than yesterday, but I called home. I could talk to Anyssa (my oldest daughter) and to Karin (my wife). I really needed that! It was SOOOOO good to hear their voices, to talk to Karin just about everyday things, how are the studies going, how are the kids, how Samiya is learning the names of the letters, and Tatsu is starting to read hole words and Anyssa told me that she is liking the gymnastics classes, etc. I miss that so badly. I miss hugging them before they leave to school, listening they complain about each other and things like that. And I miss being with Karin. In many ways. I miss her voice, her face, her smell. I miss talking to her. She always was my friend, the one that was there for me, the one I talked to when I needed and the one that talked to me. (She always asks if she talks too much. I don't think so. I like to hear her.) And today, after I talked to her, I was feeling happy. Really. I went from dark sadness to shinning happiness, and I was very happy for a while. But my demon came to hit me again. But weaker this time. I think it was still the "Karin-effect", so to say.
So today again, I thought that going to the movies would be good just to not think about anything. Just that this time it didn't work so well as the previous one. I went to watch ``Jumper'', but the movie did not catch my attention.
After coming back from the movies I decided to write about how I was feeling in an attempt to organize my own thoughts and maybe overcome whatever started the depressive spiral I got catch in. Now, at the end of the text, I still don't know why I suddenly started to feel so bad, or why I keep thinking over and over again about things I want to forget, but I am feeling lighter. Maybe is the process of writing itself that helps, or maybe is the illusion of be talking to somebody, I don't know. But it helped.
I really hope you didn't. But if you didn't, then there is no hope that you will ever understand how I am feeling these last days. It is not the first time I feel like that. I have been there before. Fortunately, not so many times, though. But usually there is a reason for feeling like that, and this time I was caught by surprise, just out of the blue. I woke up yesterday feeling like dieing. Without a clue of why. Just sad, unmotivated, tired, frustrated and most of all, very angry with myself. That was a horrible start for a day. And it scaled up.
I think that everybody have their own internal demons, their own ghosts. You know, that kind of bad memory that you do your best to forget, to not think about. That kind of thing that hurts so much that make you question why the hell do you keep going on? That would make you accept to cripple a limb with a chainsaw if that would make the painful memory go away forever? Or maybe it's just me. But the fact is that I have my demon. I really thought that it was gone forever, or better saying I didn't thought of it at all for a while and then Ididn ' t expect it to come back. But it did. It came back strong and hitting me at all the sides. Maybe it is some kind of mechanism in the sadness that wants to ensure that you will do feel really bad. And as it was, I woke up pretty bad for no known reason and after a few hours like that my demon started to hit me. Softly in the beginning, but stronger and stronger until it became unbearable. I tried the standard procedure for depression: headed for the gym, worked out for an hour, back home, shower, head to the lab, working on my research. Didn't work. I was not even being able to concentrate on my research. Every 15 minutes I had to stop and try to put myself together. Then I used the last non-chemical resource, the letter. A few years ago I had a similar problem and decide to write a letter for my demon. Saying all I wanted to say, or all I could think about saying, as if it was a person. It was a letter never meant to be send. It is a letter to me, actually. By now it is almost like a living thing. When I am fighting my demon I use to read the letter again and add or remove parts to it, so it is almost like a dialog. Sometimes the letter is so harsh, so mean and aggressive that I question if I wrote that of if it was somebody else. Sometimes it is so full of clichés and third class sentimentalism that I feel pity and disgust for the pathetic soul that wrote it. Reading and rewriting the letter helped a bit, but no so much. Helped enough to let me keep working, and surprisingly the day was even productive.
Around 21:00h I just wanted go home, 12h in the lab is enough for one day. But I knew I would not be able to sleep, so I decided to go see a movie instead. I watched ``The Golden Compass''. It was a good movie and for the duration of it I could not think about anything. But I eventually had to go back home. I really didn't want to go back to my 六畳 (rokujou) apartment, but I had no much options on that. It was not the best night of sleep, but after ½ bottle of wine I was ready to bed.
I woke up today not much better than yesterday, but I called home. I could talk to Anyssa (my oldest daughter) and to Karin (my wife). I really needed that! It was SOOOOO good to hear their voices, to talk to Karin just about everyday things, how are the studies going, how are the kids, how Samiya is learning the names of the letters, and Tatsu is starting to read hole words and Anyssa told me that she is liking the gymnastics classes, etc. I miss that so badly. I miss hugging them before they leave to school, listening they complain about each other and things like that. And I miss being with Karin. In many ways. I miss her voice, her face, her smell. I miss talking to her. She always was my friend, the one that was there for me, the one I talked to when I needed and the one that talked to me. (She always asks if she talks too much. I don't think so. I like to hear her.) And today, after I talked to her, I was feeling happy. Really. I went from dark sadness to shinning happiness, and I was very happy for a while. But my demon came to hit me again. But weaker this time. I think it was still the "Karin-effect", so to say.
So today again, I thought that going to the movies would be good just to not think about anything. Just that this time it didn't work so well as the previous one. I went to watch ``Jumper'', but the movie did not catch my attention.
After coming back from the movies I decided to write about how I was feeling in an attempt to organize my own thoughts and maybe overcome whatever started the depressive spiral I got catch in. Now, at the end of the text, I still don't know why I suddenly started to feel so bad, or why I keep thinking over and over again about things I want to forget, but I am feeling lighter. Maybe is the process of writing itself that helps, or maybe is the illusion of be talking to somebody, I don't know. But it helped.
2008-03-07
Presentations, papers, Harajuku girls and stuff like that.
The really complicated part of writing posts to cover large intervals of time should be collecting all ideas and writing them in a well organized, interesting and easy to read way. Unless, of course, you have not done that lot of noticeable things, then the problem is what the geek to write the the post. I guess this time I fall in the second case. In the last month not that much have happened. Not saying that I have been at home doing nothing, but I have being doing the same things almost every day. The routine is a great enemy of the blog writers. Specially of the not so inspired ones. So, lets try to write things in chronological order and as painless (for the potential reader, i.e. you) as possible.
The final presentation of the SYSPRO 2007 project was on February 18th. I managed to finish and print the poster on time and I think that this year's presentation was much more interesting than last year's one. All project leaders were required to do a 2 minutes presentation of the project's goals, and after that there was a poster session.
If you want to check the other pictures of the event there is a showcase at the project's web site. If you go there you will see that I have even got a visitor. No, really, a person that was not obligated to be there went to see the posters and asked me questions. It was amazing!
About a week after the SYSPRO's presentation I received the answer for the TIME 2008 paper submission. And as you should have guessed by the lack of enthusiasm, my paper was rejected. Judging by the comments of the 3 reviewers, my feeling and also the feeling of my adviser is that it as a ``border line decision'', i.e. there were not strong arguments against accepting the paper, but there were not strong arguments toward accepting it either, and in the end somebody else's paper was selected. The bright side of it is that some of the reviewers' comments were really good and I will be able to improve the paper. The plan is to revise and improve it, and then submit it to a journal. This process will take about a month, them it will star the process of reviewing the paper by the journal reviewers. This can take up to five months, but with some luck it can be finished in two months or so. Then, being optimistic, in about three months I can have the paper accepted.
Since I have received the notification of the TIME 2008 program committee (and the reviews) I am working on improving the paper. For that I will net a new set of experimental data. Then, what I have being doing lately is to devise test cases for collecting this new data.
OK, I have done a few things that resemble a social life. I went to Tokyo to solve a problem with my new cellphone and since Adriana wanted to buy some souvenirs from Japan, we went together. The problem with the cellphone was that I bought a smartphone and needed a SIM chip. But the phone company did not want to sell me the chip only, they wanted me to buy another cellphone. Then I had to go to the only one store that was allowed to sell the chip by itself. (I don't get it, if one store can sell the chip, why the others can not?) Adriana went on a travel to USA and wanted to take some souvenirs of Japan with her, so we went to the Oriental Bazaar in Harajuku, what was very convenient because the store of SoftBank (the phone company) was in Shibuya, that is within a walking distance of Harajuku.
Takeshita Street, where you can find the most crazily dressed people you ever imagine.
Below is a taste of the kind of thing you can see in Harajuku. The music is "Harajuku Girls" by Gwen Stefani.
That's all, folks!!!
The final presentation of the SYSPRO 2007 project was on February 18th. I managed to finish and print the poster on time and I think that this year's presentation was much more interesting than last year's one. All project leaders were required to do a 2 minutes presentation of the project's goals, and after that there was a poster session.
If you want to check the other pictures of the event there is a showcase at the project's web site. If you go there you will see that I have even got a visitor. No, really, a person that was not obligated to be there went to see the posters and asked me questions. It was amazing!
About a week after the SYSPRO's presentation I received the answer for the TIME 2008 paper submission. And as you should have guessed by the lack of enthusiasm, my paper was rejected. Judging by the comments of the 3 reviewers, my feeling and also the feeling of my adviser is that it as a ``border line decision'', i.e. there were not strong arguments against accepting the paper, but there were not strong arguments toward accepting it either, and in the end somebody else's paper was selected. The bright side of it is that some of the reviewers' comments were really good and I will be able to improve the paper. The plan is to revise and improve it, and then submit it to a journal. This process will take about a month, them it will star the process of reviewing the paper by the journal reviewers. This can take up to five months, but with some luck it can be finished in two months or so. Then, being optimistic, in about three months I can have the paper accepted.
Since I have received the notification of the TIME 2008 program committee (and the reviews) I am working on improving the paper. For that I will net a new set of experimental data. Then, what I have being doing lately is to devise test cases for collecting this new data.
OK, I have done a few things that resemble a social life. I went to Tokyo to solve a problem with my new cellphone and since Adriana wanted to buy some souvenirs from Japan, we went together. The problem with the cellphone was that I bought a smartphone and needed a SIM chip. But the phone company did not want to sell me the chip only, they wanted me to buy another cellphone. Then I had to go to the only one store that was allowed to sell the chip by itself. (I don't get it, if one store can sell the chip, why the others can not?) Adriana went on a travel to USA and wanted to take some souvenirs of Japan with her, so we went to the Oriental Bazaar in Harajuku, what was very convenient because the store of SoftBank (the phone company) was in Shibuya, that is within a walking distance of Harajuku.
Takeshita Street, where you can find the most crazily dressed people you ever imagine.Below is a taste of the kind of thing you can see in Harajuku. The music is "Harajuku Girls" by Gwen Stefani.
That's all, folks!!!
2008-02-07
Still alive... and kicking.
Well, it has been a month since my last post, but note that this is an improvement. The average interval between posts used to be 6 months.
First, the obvious. I have not died! Yes, the deadline for the paper has come and gone and I didn't finished it, as expected. But, in an unexpected turn of events, the symposium's program committee decided to extend the deadline in 4 more days, from January 11th to 15th. And there went I to expend a few more nights without sleep. But it was worth. I could finish the paper for the new deadline and the final result was above my own expectations. (I'm not saying it was good, but I expected to do something much worst.) So, what was sure to be a complete failure ended up being just a partial failure, and maybe will still lead to a relative success if the paper get accepted for the symposium.
After that, a seminar to present, two progress reports to write, the final report for SYSPRO , Advanced Systems Development Research Project (in english), and a new research topic to find. The seminar was OK, the progress reports were finished on time, the final report for SYSPRO was also finished on time, but the new research topic is something that has not yet presented itself. Today my adviser send me an e-mail with a CFP (call for participation) on the "5th Workshop on Model Checking and Artificial Intelligence". That rouse my interest. Artificial Intelligence (AI) is something about what I have been fascinated since the first time I read about the subject. I studied it during my undergraduate course and during my master course. My master thesis is somehow related to the subject and I have a reasonable knowledge about it. Maybe I can find some intersection between the two topics interesting enough to work with, and that can lead to some substantial result in the little time that I have left. (This is my last year on the Ph.D. and I must have published my papers by September, or risk not graduating on April next year.)
Right now, for the short term, I have three tasks at hand: (a) define my new research topic, something that is a continuation of my work up to here, but that add something new; (b) prepare the final presentation, something like a poster session, for SYSPRO, on next February 18th; (c) improve the system I have developed so far (the infamous multi-valued bounded model checker) to allow "normal" people to graphically see what the cryptic numeric result provided by the system means.
Besides that, it is still cold in Japan. Even snowed in Tsukuba yesterday. Not too much but enough to cover the cars with some 10cm o snow. And last Thursday I broke a tooth while eating, and
received my black belt. I was very happy! (Because of the black belt, not for the broken tooth.)
There are more pictures on my web album.
2008-01-06
I Don't Wanna Be Me
I usually listen to CroniX Aggression internet radio when I am studying, but more often when I am programming. I was just listening to it and found a song to which I identify myself very strongly (at least at this moment). It's "I Don't Wanna Be Me", from Type O Negative.
I searched the video clip on YouTube.com, and it's not quite what I expected, but the song is cool anyway. Enjoy if you can. I did.
P.S. No I don't want to or even consider the possibility of dressing in female clothes.
I searched the video clip on YouTube.com, and it's not quite what I expected, but the song is cool anyway. Enjoy if you can. I did.
I Don't Wanna Be Me [Lyrics by Type O Negative]
I don't wanna be
I don't wanna be me
I don't wanna be me anymore
Ever throwing at his home
Two glass houses, twenty stones
Fourteen yellow, six are blue
Could it be worse?...
Quite doubtful
I don't wanna be
I don't wanna be me
I don't wanna be me anymore
I don't wanna be
I don't wanna be me
I don't wanna be me anymore
(1-2)
(1-2-3-4)
Two steps forward, three steps back
Without warning, heart attack
He fell asleep in the snow
Never woke up, died alone
I don't wanna be
I don't wanna be me
I don't wanna be me anymore
I don't wanna be
I don't wanna be me
I don't wanna be me anymore
(1-2)
(1-2-3-4)
Please don't dress in black
When you're at his wake
Don't go there to mourn
But to celebrate
Please don't dress in black
When you're at his wake
Don't go there to mourn
But to celebrate
I don't wanna be
I don't wanna be me
I don't wanna be me anymore
I don't wanna be
I don't wanna be me
I don't wanna be me anymore
I don't wanna be (I don't wanna be)
I don't wanna be me (be me)
I don't wanna be (I don't wanna be)
me anymore (more)
I don't wanna be (I don't wanna be)
I don't wanna be me (be me)
I don't wanna be (I don't wanna be)
me anymore
I don't wanna be
I don't wanna be me
I don't wanna be me anymore
Ever throwing at his home
Two glass houses, twenty stones
Fourteen yellow, six are blue
Could it be worse?...
Quite doubtful
I don't wanna be
I don't wanna be me
I don't wanna be me anymore
I don't wanna be
I don't wanna be me
I don't wanna be me anymore
(1-2)
(1-2-3-4)
Two steps forward, three steps back
Without warning, heart attack
He fell asleep in the snow
Never woke up, died alone
I don't wanna be
I don't wanna be me
I don't wanna be me anymore
I don't wanna be
I don't wanna be me
I don't wanna be me anymore
(1-2)
(1-2-3-4)
Please don't dress in black
When you're at his wake
Don't go there to mourn
But to celebrate
Please don't dress in black
When you're at his wake
Don't go there to mourn
But to celebrate
I don't wanna be
I don't wanna be me
I don't wanna be me anymore
I don't wanna be
I don't wanna be me
I don't wanna be me anymore
I don't wanna be (I don't wanna be)
I don't wanna be me (be me)
I don't wanna be (I don't wanna be)
me anymore (more)
I don't wanna be (I don't wanna be)
I don't wanna be me (be me)
I don't wanna be (I don't wanna be)
me anymore
P.S. No I don't want to or even consider the possibility of dressing in female clothes.
2008-01-05
Happy 2008!!!
Happy New Year!!!
(At least lets hope it will be a happy year.)
Another year has come and gone. 2007 is over and 2008 has just started. It has being my 3rd new year in Japan. The next one (2009) must be the last, at least for this time. (Who knows about the future?) Last year my family was here, so I could be with Karin and the kids on Christmas and new year. It was so good to be with them, to feel family at the holidays again. But this year they were not. I was with friends, but I felt alone. Don't take me wrong, I do like my friend and it was very good to be with them (don't even want to think how would I have felt if I haven't them around), but I still missed my family.
Anyway, I thought it would be better to go out on new years than stay alone at home. So, I went to Ageha with some friends (Adri, Lina, Kixpe e Zauder). Ageha is advertised as the biggest dance club in Asia, and the place is really big. On new years it was crowded. Really, really crowded. But it was worth. The music was good (except for the DJ at the pool site that expended more time talking that playing music -- but the other sites were OK), there was a fair amount of beautiful people, and there were special shows. On the entrance there were some 5 or 6 girls doing pole dancing, not like that we see in B movies, they was not naked, but using sexy clothes, and they was indeed giving a show, even the girls stopped to watch. 10 minutes before midnight a DJ/Drag Queen started his/her/its own show for the countdown. And it was a good show too. The guy knew how to do his/her/its show. At midnight every body hugged each other, there was balloons and colored paper falling and everybody was happy. It was a happy night.
Harumi, I, Kixpe and Lina at Kita-senju station, in our way to Ageha. Zauder joined us at Shin-kiba station.
The other remarkable event from this beginning of year is that yesterday was Kixpe's birthday. We should have joined for a small party at Robson's house, but for different reasons most of the people invited had to cancel at the last minute. So I, Kixpe, Adri, Robson and Nelia (Robson's girlfriend) went out for a dinner at TonQ.
Robson, Kixpe, Harumi and I waiting for a place at TonQ to celebrate Kixpe's birthday. Nelia is taking the picture.
Despite the new year's party at Ageha, and the atmosphere of celebration of this time of the year, I don't feel so good. Actually, after Christmas and my shodan exam, I am feeling pretty bad. I had a meeting with my adviser just before Christmas, he was very clear about the status of my research, and it is not good. I expended the last year trying to develop a new method for model checking multi-valued models. (Don't bother about what exactly is that, it's important just for me.) I finally have perfected the new method and I can handle very huge models now. I was excited about this, because I thought it would be the whole point of my Ph.D. research. My adviser thinks differently. He told me he is disappointed I have took so long to work on this method; that he suggested it just because he thought it would be good to work with it since nobody had done it before, but that this, alone, is in no way enough to justify a Ph.D. degree. That I will have to think about some new direction for my research, and it have to be something that gives solid results in the next 4 to 5 months, otherwise I will much probably not be able to graduate on March, 2009, as it is scheduled.
In less than 30 minutes of meeting I came from extreme excitement and happiness to the most complete frustration and despair. I have no idea of which new direction I can give to my research, I have no clue about where to look for inspiration, I have no idea at all of what I am gonna do.
Besides all that, I have to finish writing a paper with deadline on January 11th. The paper will be a revised version of the one I presented in November, on a workshop in Kyoto. It should be easy as a Sunday morning, but it's not. My sensei, said he doesn't like the way I organize my papers. To him they looks like a text book: much theory and fundamental concepts in the beginning and finally my conclusions. To him it's boring. There are no "catch phrases", or other exciting things to keep the attention and interest of the reader. He wants me to correct that. In the last days I have being crawling after examples of good papers, trying to identify some pattern of how to write an exciting theoretical paper about multi-valued temporal logics (for real, I almost laugh only to think about the contradiction in terms that this sentence is) . On top of that, he also wants me to provide some meaningful example that show that my method is not only applicable but also useful, in the sense that the example must be more easily or naturally solvable by my method than by the traditional one. It is probably not hard to grasp that up to now I have not being successful.
Karin, has tried to help me and looked for some references too. Two of the references she sent me gave some insights, but I don't know if these insights will be enough to finish the paper as my sensei expects. I have a meeting with him on Monday. I just wish I would die before that so I don't have to face him and tell him I failed on doing what he expected. I hate to fail! I really, really hate to fail. It hurts my self-esteem. Makes me feel unfit and unworthy. Just the thought that failure is unavoidable makes me loose control. I'm not being able to sleep well, or work well because I'm stressed.
When I was a project manager in ISH I keep track of the progress of all projects. I always was able to identify potential risks weeks before something actually happened and take measures to prevent it: renegotiate deadlines, allocate more resources, review the distribution of tasks and so on. No project I have managed ever failed. Now I have no flexibility at all. I can not allocate more resources. I can not negotiate deadlines. I may not do anything but work as hard as I can force myself to. And it's not being enough.
I don't know what to do.
P.S. I am probably being too much dramatic here, OK? I am stressed, frustrated, tired and I have not trained Aikido for a while (it's winter vacation until next week), so I could not alleviate my frustration throwing people in the floor. Don't take me too seriously. I will be better in a few weeks.
(At least lets hope it will be a happy year.)
Another year has come and gone. 2007 is over and 2008 has just started. It has being my 3rd new year in Japan. The next one (2009) must be the last, at least for this time. (Who knows about the future?) Last year my family was here, so I could be with Karin and the kids on Christmas and new year. It was so good to be with them, to feel family at the holidays again. But this year they were not. I was with friends, but I felt alone. Don't take me wrong, I do like my friend and it was very good to be with them (don't even want to think how would I have felt if I haven't them around), but I still missed my family.
Anyway, I thought it would be better to go out on new years than stay alone at home. So, I went to Ageha with some friends (Adri, Lina, Kixpe e Zauder). Ageha is advertised as the biggest dance club in Asia, and the place is really big. On new years it was crowded. Really, really crowded. But it was worth. The music was good (except for the DJ at the pool site that expended more time talking that playing music -- but the other sites were OK), there was a fair amount of beautiful people, and there were special shows. On the entrance there were some 5 or 6 girls doing pole dancing, not like that we see in B movies, they was not naked, but using sexy clothes, and they was indeed giving a show, even the girls stopped to watch. 10 minutes before midnight a DJ/Drag Queen started his/her/its own show for the countdown. And it was a good show too. The guy knew how to do his/her/its show. At midnight every body hugged each other, there was balloons and colored paper falling and everybody was happy. It was a happy night.
Harumi, I, Kixpe and Lina at Kita-senju station, in our way to Ageha. Zauder joined us at Shin-kiba station.The other remarkable event from this beginning of year is that yesterday was Kixpe's birthday. We should have joined for a small party at Robson's house, but for different reasons most of the people invited had to cancel at the last minute. So I, Kixpe, Adri, Robson and Nelia (Robson's girlfriend) went out for a dinner at TonQ.
Robson, Kixpe, Harumi and I waiting for a place at TonQ to celebrate Kixpe's birthday. Nelia is taking the picture.In less than 30 minutes of meeting I came from extreme excitement and happiness to the most complete frustration and despair. I have no idea of which new direction I can give to my research, I have no clue about where to look for inspiration, I have no idea at all of what I am gonna do.
Besides all that, I have to finish writing a paper with deadline on January 11th. The paper will be a revised version of the one I presented in November, on a workshop in Kyoto. It should be easy as a Sunday morning, but it's not. My sensei, said he doesn't like the way I organize my papers. To him they looks like a text book: much theory and fundamental concepts in the beginning and finally my conclusions. To him it's boring. There are no "catch phrases", or other exciting things to keep the attention and interest of the reader. He wants me to correct that. In the last days I have being crawling after examples of good papers, trying to identify some pattern of how to write an exciting theoretical paper about multi-valued temporal logics (for real, I almost laugh only to think about the contradiction in terms that this sentence is) . On top of that, he also wants me to provide some meaningful example that show that my method is not only applicable but also useful, in the sense that the example must be more easily or naturally solvable by my method than by the traditional one. It is probably not hard to grasp that up to now I have not being successful.
Karin, has tried to help me and looked for some references too. Two of the references she sent me gave some insights, but I don't know if these insights will be enough to finish the paper as my sensei expects. I have a meeting with him on Monday. I just wish I would die before that so I don't have to face him and tell him I failed on doing what he expected. I hate to fail! I really, really hate to fail. It hurts my self-esteem. Makes me feel unfit and unworthy. Just the thought that failure is unavoidable makes me loose control. I'm not being able to sleep well, or work well because I'm stressed.
When I was a project manager in ISH I keep track of the progress of all projects. I always was able to identify potential risks weeks before something actually happened and take measures to prevent it: renegotiate deadlines, allocate more resources, review the distribution of tasks and so on. No project I have managed ever failed. Now I have no flexibility at all. I can not allocate more resources. I can not negotiate deadlines. I may not do anything but work as hard as I can force myself to. And it's not being enough.
I don't know what to do.
P.S. I am probably being too much dramatic here, OK? I am stressed, frustrated, tired and I have not trained Aikido for a while (it's winter vacation until next week), so I could not alleviate my frustration throwing people in the floor. Don't take me too seriously. I will be better in a few weeks.
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