I really hope you didn't. But if you didn't, then there is no hope that you will ever understand how I am feeling these last days. It is not the first time I feel like that. I have been there before. Fortunately, not so many times, though. But usually there is a reason for feeling like that, and this time I was caught by surprise, just out of the blue. I woke up yesterday feeling like dieing. Without a clue of why. Just sad, unmotivated, tired, frustrated and most of all, very angry with myself. That was a horrible start for a day. And it scaled up.
I think that everybody have their own internal demons, their own ghosts. You know, that kind of bad memory that you do your best to forget, to not think about. That kind of thing that hurts so much that make you question why the hell do you keep going on? That would make you accept to cripple a limb with a chainsaw if that would make the painful memory go away forever? Or maybe it's just me. But the fact is that I have my demon. I really thought that it was gone forever, or better saying I didn't thought of it at all for a while and then Ididn ' t expect it to come back. But it did. It came back strong and hitting me at all the sides. Maybe it is some kind of mechanism in the sadness that wants to ensure that you will do feel really bad. And as it was, I woke up pretty bad for no known reason and after a few hours like that my demon started to hit me. Softly in the beginning, but stronger and stronger until it became unbearable. I tried the standard procedure for depression: headed for the gym, worked out for an hour, back home, shower, head to the lab, working on my research. Didn't work. I was not even being able to concentrate on my research. Every 15 minutes I had to stop and try to put myself together. Then I used the last non-chemical resource, the letter. A few years ago I had a similar problem and decide to write a letter for my demon. Saying all I wanted to say, or all I could think about saying, as if it was a person. It was a letter never meant to be send. It is a letter to me, actually. By now it is almost like a living thing. When I am fighting my demon I use to read the letter again and add or remove parts to it, so it is almost like a dialog. Sometimes the letter is so harsh, so mean and aggressive that I question if I wrote that of if it was somebody else. Sometimes it is so full of clichés and third class sentimentalism that I feel pity and disgust for the pathetic soul that wrote it. Reading and rewriting the letter helped a bit, but no so much. Helped enough to let me keep working, and surprisingly the day was even productive.
Around 21:00h I just wanted go home, 12h in the lab is enough for one day. But I knew I would not be able to sleep, so I decided to go see a movie instead. I watched ``The Golden Compass''. It was a good movie and for the duration of it I could not think about anything. But I eventually had to go back home. I really didn't want to go back to my 六畳 (rokujou) apartment, but I had no much options on that. It was not the best night of sleep, but after ½ bottle of wine I was ready to bed.
I woke up today not much better than yesterday, but I called home. I could talk to Anyssa (my oldest daughter) and to Karin (my wife). I really needed that! It was SOOOOO good to hear their voices, to talk to Karin just about everyday things, how are the studies going, how are the kids, how Samiya is learning the names of the letters, and Tatsu is starting to read hole words and Anyssa told me that she is liking the gymnastics classes, etc. I miss that so badly. I miss hugging them before they leave to school, listening they complain about each other and things like that. And I miss being with Karin. In many ways. I miss her voice, her face, her smell. I miss talking to her. She always was my friend, the one that was there for me, the one I talked to when I needed and the one that talked to me. (She always asks if she talks too much. I don't think so. I like to hear her.) And today, after I talked to her, I was feeling happy. Really. I went from dark sadness to shinning happiness, and I was very happy for a while. But my demon came to hit me again. But weaker this time. I think it was still the "Karin-effect", so to say.
So today again, I thought that going to the movies would be good just to not think about anything. Just that this time it didn't work so well as the previous one. I went to watch ``Jumper'', but the movie did not catch my attention.
After coming back from the movies I decided to write about how I was feeling in an attempt to organize my own thoughts and maybe overcome whatever started the depressive spiral I got catch in. Now, at the end of the text, I still don't know why I suddenly started to feel so bad, or why I keep thinking over and over again about things I want to forget, but I am feeling lighter. Maybe is the process of writing itself that helps, or maybe is the illusion of be talking to somebody, I don't know. But it helped.
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